Seriously Sisyphean

I have a bruise.  On my butt.  And it is very uncomfortable.  Also, I believe my wrist is very slightly sprained.  Feeling much better after a day in a wrist support, but still.  

But on to the real matter at hand…

A few weeks ago I joined a dating website.  A free one.  We will refer to it as “okstupid.”  The idea of online dating still kinda freaks me out, and I’m not entirely comfortable with it.  Having said that, it’s been great for my ego (yes, I’m terrible, I know).  For a long time, my ex was the only guy that gave me attention (romantic attention that is—your dad telling you you’re beautiful is very nice, but it’s not what I’m referring to here).  I’m an introvert and I don’t get out there much.  There’s no one I have particularly strong feelings about at the moment.  But I’m having a good time talking to a few people.  

And, no. I’m not “over” my ex yet.  But I’ve accepted that we won’t be together.  We had a wonderful relationship while it lasted, but that does not mean that we have a future.  It might seem kind of stupid that I’m on a dating site not long after breaking up, but, fuck.  I dated one person before my ex. One date.  I met my ex when I was 19 going on 20 and we were on and off for a year and a half.  During that time, I haven’t dated, flirted, or had any kind of romantic contact with another man.  Is it so wrong for me, at 21 to want to date a little?  I’m not looking for love and I’m not looking for sex.  I’m just looking for someone to have a good time with while I’m here.  What I have struggled with in the past is moving on.  I get stuck.  I’m on this site to initiate some movement in the direction I want to go. 

(That paragraph was a bit of a rant.)

The issue with this site is…some otherwise very nice guys have been laying it on rather thick.  Like, really. It’s just too much.  I read their messages and I want to burst out laughing.  And I know, it’s a dating site.  You sell yourself to the other person, and compliment them to get their attention or whatever, but that is no excuse for being ridiculous, right?  Here’s the thing.  How do I very subtly tell someone that they’re coming on too strong?  They haven’t crossed any lines that makes me think I should stop talking to them, but there’s got to be a way of letting them know…

(Also, I’m aware of the dangers of online dating.  I have rules: only dates in places I am familiar with; only dates during the day; I assume everyone is a liar.  I’m very cautious, so there’s no need to worry.  If someone seems shady, I end all contact.)

Too tired. Also, I’m feeling better.

Also, I slipped on some ice while going down some stairs outside my house and I realllllly hurt my butt (and, to a lesser extent, my wrist).  I mean, it’s good I have a huge ass, because I probably would have broken something if I didn’t.  But there will be a bruise on my butt.

And it hurts to sit down.

And this would be funny if it wasn’t me. 

I’m still having a bit of a hard time adjusting to this whole “not talking to my ex” thing.  I’m feeling a little bitter today.  Not toward him, just because it’s hard to unlove.  ”Love is short. Forgetting lasts so long.”  Thank you, Pablo, for having already written the words I needed.  Still though, I know that this is what’s best for both of us.  And it is becoming easier.  Highs and lows still happen, but I’m usually able to be positive.  Not talking is helping.  (What a novel concept! Don’t talk to the ex and have an easier time disconnecting emotionally!? Who would’ve thought!)  It’s just hard to get used to.  

On a related note, I got a lot of support from people I didn’t even know when all this stuff was going down.  I have so much love for my tumblr people.

(Note: You might want to expect an anti-love post later on. It’s not for sure yet though.  Just on my mind.)